I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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