I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize