We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
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I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
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We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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