got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
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If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
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I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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