When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
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He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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