and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
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I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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