I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
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Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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