Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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