if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize