Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
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I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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