I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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