wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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