you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
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You made eat vitamins until I threw up
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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