you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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