Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
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My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
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Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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