I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
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You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So apparently I’m into choking now
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