this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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