John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
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Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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