he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize