I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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