Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
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I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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