The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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