Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize