allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
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Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
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apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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