Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
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The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
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he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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