Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
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The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
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I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
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