I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
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As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
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He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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