Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
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Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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