Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
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Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
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I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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