At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
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Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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