we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
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Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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