is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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