A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
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It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
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He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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