You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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