That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
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You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
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I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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