Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's never too late to be topless.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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