so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize