Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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