Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize