Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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