Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
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I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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