I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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