those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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