im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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