He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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