I accidentally burped into my bong.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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