I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
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Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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