So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize