Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
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I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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