i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
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Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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